Celebrity Religion

Rod Stewart visits CR HQ??!

Ok, so maybe the title of this post is a tiny little bit of an exageration, but here is the deal.  Rod Stewart is a celebrity.  He and his fiancee Penny Lancaster recently had their little baby boy christened, which shows the religious element of the story.  Now for the best bit...his baby was christened just five minutes along the road from our brand new HQ!!!  Now, we are a modest website and we don't want to take too much credit for Rod's choice, but surely this cannot be a simple coincidence!!! We can just imagine Rod strutting around in his leopard skin pants while checking up on Celebrity Religion news. Is Rod our biggest fan?  Oh, we do hope so!

TomKat update: more rats to come?

We haven't heard much from TomKat lately.  Given that their wedding was supposed to be happening in a few weeks time, we were sure that we would spot pics of the "happy couple" out and about with their new child*.  However, it would appear that Katie remains chained to her bed at home while Tom CONTINUES to promote Mission Impossible III.  The most interesting story for us is that Tom has claimed that he wants to have ten children with Katie Holmes (sorry, i mean Kate Holmes).  For the love of God, do not let this happen! We must protest. While this would undoubtedly provide us with a vast amount of gossip to report upon, we really do not think we can handle the stress of more fake pregnancies!  Let us all pray together in the hope that TomKat will manage to buy a new and more realistic bump for the next baby**.

*for 'child' read as 'alien'

** for 'baby' read as 'demon spawn'

Picture of the Messiah!

I have no reason for posting this painting of baby Shiloh aka The Celebrity Messiah, other than the fact that it is cute, gross and disturbing all at the same time! Thanks Gallery of the Absurd!While you are reeling in shock at how close to the truth this pic may be, check out this story from Defamer, which discusses little Shiloh's first miracle.  I can't wait to see what she does next. I shall be praying that she will work a miracle over poor Britney, who is having a horrendous time at the moment and really needs some sympathy.  Christ, with a face like that she needs All of the sympathy!

Madonna becomes Muslim, or not!

CR have decided to give this years "most tedious attempt at a story" award to Britain's favourite tabloid, The Sun.  With THIS story The Sun used a picture that very clearly shows Madonna shading herself from the suns rays(note: rays were coming from the actual sun and not some sort of laser gun being blasted by a reporter from the newspaper of the same name) and managed to find an "onlooker" (uh huh...no name? whatever!) who stated that it looked like she had become a Muslim.  Personally, I like the quote "She changes her religion like most people change their socks".  While I have never been known to defend the 968 year old wrinkly grandmother of celebrity religion, I have to point out that most people do not wear their socks for several years at a time! 

To The Sun, we commend you in your horrendous attempt to turn an otherwise irrelevant photo into a piece of Celebrity Religion News! Keep up the good work!

There is a God

And he has a dodgy 80's mullet perm (Pullet? Mullerm?? Permllet??)

Crack Is Whack: God Is Hot

The problems that Whitney Houston has been going through recently have been widely documented; such problems as smoking an 8 ball on the way to rehab, getting kicked out of a crack house for being too high, and my personal favourite, locking herself in a bathroom, wearing a diaper and reading celeb gossip mags (my question is, why the diaper if you are in the f***ing bathroom?? Thats some crazy cracked out logic!). On top of all that, she also joined a cult.

And today we have photos of her in church!

Unfortunately we don't know where or when exactly these pictures were taken (we found them here), but we do know that she is in a church in LA and that she was disappointed when the minister wouldn't sell her any crack.

Celeb Religion News Update

Our sincerest apologies for the stunning lack of posts of late. I have just started a full time job (seemingly blogging is failing to pay my bills), and Lauren is off tossing her caber in the Higlands. So here is a brief catch up of some of the most important celeb religion events so far this week.

First up, Britney.
It has been a big week for our Britters; She has been seen lying on TV about the stability of her marriage (i.e. by claiming there is some); Her BFF essentially told her to F-Off (Madonna doesn't want to be her friend now that Brit has given up Kabbalah in favour of some crazy new baby based religion, and allegedly wants some expensive ancient book back off her - which is probably a wise move, if she doesn't get it back soon K-Fed will have used it all as roach material); and her next door neighbour, Mel Gibson, is selling up because he can't stand living next to her sorry trailer trash ass anymore.

Oh, and in case you hadn't noticed, she also continues to look like shit.

Next up the Kooky (read: talentless and annoying) D-List Scientologist Jenna Elfman. According to TMZ Elfman went crazy at indie director John Roecker when she spotted him in the above T-Shirt.

"Roecker says Jenna repeatedly said "What crimes have you committed?" and began screaming at Roecker, "Have you raped a baby?" as motorists on Los Feliz Boulevard drove by in snarled traffic.
Bizarrely, Roecker also says that the Elfmans had a young, twenty-something male companion with them whom they continually instructed to move away and cover his ears whenever references to Xenu were made."

Nice to see some celebs flying the flag for Scientology sanity.

And finally, ex Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell has released his long awaited solo album (what you mean you have not be anxiously anticipating this record for the last three years? What do you mean you don't know who Brian Littrell is???), and luckily for us it's all about Christ. Thats right, the little blonde gay one from the Backstreet Boys has made a God-rock album. It contains the classic songs "My Answer is You", "Angels and Heroes" and "Jesus Loves you".
Says the, ahem, artist, "I've always attributed my success to God and having this opportunity as a solo artist. My faith has always been the utmost important thing in my life."

Thats all for today folks! And fear not, normal services will return soon once me and Lauren pull our respective fingers out (and please don't ask what from).

The Passion 2: Jesus is back, and this time it's personal

This morning I have been recovering from a mild bout of food poisoning, and for a while I began to expect that the vomit induced dehydration I was suffering from (Damn you Sushi, Damn you to Hell) was causing me to suffer from delusions. For it seems that on the same day that The Passion Of The Christ is voted the most controversial movie of all time, a SEQUEL is in the works.
According to our friends over at WizBangPop

"Sony Pictures is planning an Easter 2007 release for a feature tentatively titled The Resurrection, which will tell the story of Jesus Christ beginning with the day he died. As such, some liken it to a "follow-up" to Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. "The Passion ends with [SPOILER ALERT!] Jesus being taken from the cross, and The Resurrection opens with an empty cross," a source familiar with the script tells Reuters, adding, "This is a serious attempt to understand the Roman world in which Christ moved and the Christian era was born."

I can see the taglines now "Jesus is back, and this time it's personal" and "Forgive me Father, For I now Know what I must do". Jesus raised from the dead to wreak his heavenly revenge on the Romans and the Sanhedrin, with raunchy sex scenes with Mary Magdelene and a buddy movie subplot with him and Paul. It will be like Lethal Weapon meets Terminator 2.

The Battle for Shiloh's Soul Begins

Talking of Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes, we have heard some unsubstantiated rumours that they have been doing some more Scientology recruitment... and this time they have been proseltyizing to the Hollywood Messiah herself. Thats right, Tom has apparently called up his old buddy Brad Pitt to congratulate the new parents and to extend an invitation for the happy family to go to the LA Scientology Centre.

Don't do it Brad! Its a trap! Check out your Bible; when new, powerful holy figures are born, the killing of first borns comes dramatically into vogue.

Catholic Kidman

We here at CR HQ are very pleased for Nicole Kidman. After her miraculous escape from the evil clutches of the Scientology overlord, Tom Cruise, she seems to finally be happy with Keith Urban. OK, he may be a D-List country rocker, with bad hair and a disturbing penchant for wearing his shirts unbuttoned, but he doesn't believe in aliens which makes him a winner in our books. And it seems that since she started boning him, Nicole has gone back to her Catholic roots.

According to this report, her wedding to Urban is part of her ongoing spiritual journey. Father Paul Coleman, who claims to be Kidman's close spiritual confidant (who clearly has a hard time fulfilling the confidential part of his title, as selling stories to the press doesn't really inspire confidence) says that the wedding preparations have helped to deepen Kidman's Catholicism.

The wedding is rumoured to be taking place later this month at the Mary MacKillop Chapel, in North Sydney, and should be a star studded event. We wonder if Katie and Tom have gotten invites!
And talking of Katie and Tom, where the fuck is baby Suri?? This child is MIA: we had pictures of Shiloh Novel mere days after she was born, what are Toma and Kate trying to hide? Is Suri ugly? Does she have devil horns? Is she the spitting image of Chris Klein?