Celebrity Religion

Da Vinci Who?

It's official; no one cares about The Da Vinci Code anymore, and about bloody time. And why is it that no one gives a shit about the most blasphemous, controversial and surprisingly dull movie of the year anymore? It is because everyone is too aroused by the sheer sexual, testosterone empowered beast that is Wolverine.

Christ On A Bike, he is hotttt. Is it really any wonder that people went to see X Men 3 in their millions last weekend, when the alternative was to look at Tom Hank's ugly mug and paedo mullet?

Even the Pope was too busy speculating what mutant power he would have if he were an X Man to care about Jesus shacking up and getting Jiggy with that Magdalene chick anymore (reports suggest that he definitely wants to be able to fly, but has yet to choose between invisibility or laser beams coming out of his fingers for his main power).
And so, we at Celebrity Religion, officially declare the Da Vinci Code controversy at an end. Finally. (At least we are not gonna be writing about it unless something strange, sexy or cool happens, which we seriously doubt, at least until Angels and Demons is produced...and it is still hard to imagine anything sexy happening then either.)

*UPDATE* Especially for reader IanLondon, I present to you the ever sexy Mystique, who has been busy distracting the male population from The Da Vinci Code.
(yes, I realise that this is not a picture of Mystique, but I reckon that this is slightly preferable to Rebecca Romjin covered in blue.)

Escape from Scientology Land!

Just a quick post to let our loyal readers know about this fun game! Watch out for the little cartoon at the beginning!

PLAY ME!

* UPDATE   this Scientology game is incredibly addictive and is a bad idea if you have anything important to do (for example, if you are writing a dissertation or if you are supposed to be packing in preparation for a trip)  DO NOT play if busy...DO play if not really that busy!

When genetics go wrong?

Oh Gallery of the Absurd how we love thee!  By now, we all know that the Brangelina baby has fallen from the heavens and entered the world inhabited by us mere mortals.  We have given much thought to the beauty of the celeb messiah, but also to how easily this could go wrong.  Sure, Brad and Angie are attractive in their own unique ways.  With their distinctive features they manage to pull off seperate looks that really only work for themselves.  If their child is lucky enough to get a nice combination of these features, she could one day rule the earth!  However, we have all seen Kevin Federline and know that genetics are not always kind.  Here is an example of what could, and in my opinion should happen (it is only fair!)

Brangelina Messiah Has Arrived

Finally, the day we have all been waiting for. We had read all the signs; the planets were in the right alignment, there have been wars, famines and plagues, there was the breaking of the seventh seal with the birth of the anti-christ (no offence, Suri) and Jennifer Annison is releasing her new movie... all of which means that Angelina has at last dropped her load.

So the big question is, did she give her baby girl a religious name. And the answer is; kinda. She has called the chosen one Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, or if you believe reports, the Prime Minister of Namibia has given her daughter that name.

But what does it all mean?

Shiloh is the name of an ancient village of central Palestine northwest of the Dead Sea. In the Bible, it was a meeting place and sanctuary for the Israelites and the site of a tabernacle where the Ark of the Covenant was kept until its capture by the Philistines. And Nouvel means New in French. So what is the theological message that Brangelina want to convey? Are they trying to tell us that their daughter will be the new home of the Ark? Or better yet, that she will be the bearer of the new commandments from God? Will she build a new Tabernacle? or create a new Sanctuary for Israelites around the world?
But thats not all folks, the name may have other meanings too. The Hebrew origin of the word can be translated to mean "His Gift", and many interpret it as "He who was sent" -a prophetic name for the Messiah.

Can it really be true? Has the celebrity Messiah actually arrived?

Only one thing is certain, this baby is likely to be so beautiful that some suspect it will have the power to cure cancer, just by smiling.

Celebrity Baby Born; Not Given Religious Name

We want to say congratulations to Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale on the birth of their son. However we are a little dismayed that they did not chose to give the baby a religious name. We had plans for a celebrity baby creche specially designed for kids with a biblical moniker, but this really is a set back for that plan. In naming the child Kingston James McGregor Rossdale (why he needs four names is a mystery to us) they have bucked the trend started by baby Moses and continued by Bluebell Madonna. But there is hope yet, Britney has a bun in the oven, and seeing as how she has developed her own religion based on her baby, perhaps she will call her next one something appropriate like Jesus, Allah or Ganesh.

Gibson Passionate About The Code

The Über-Catholic Mel Gibson has joined the debate surrounding The Da Vinci Code, and surprise surprise, he is against the movie. Rick Ross over at Cult News has reported that Gibson has criticized the film because it “weaves facts with maverick theories" and he is apparently concerned that people will believe that The Da Vinci Code is true.
Lots of people have spoken out against the film, some because of its glaring historical inaccuracies, many for theological reasons, and most because it is a snooze-fest of a film, but Gibson's critque appears to us to be the most hypocritical. The Passion of The Christ was also considered to be controversial when it was released in 2004, and for similar reasons; namely the presenting of fiction as fact. Gibson's movie was based almost entirely on the writings of a delusional nun, Anne Catherine Emmerich, and not on the New Testament as he would have you believe. Not only that, but many people were afraid that Gibson's film implicitly blamed the Jews for the death of Jesus; people believing that is far more dangerous than people believing that Jesus had kids, as it could fuel (and historically has fuelled) anti-semitism. Unlike The Da Vinci Code, Gibson took his film very seriously, claiming that the Holy Ghost was guiding him and that the film was not entertainment but a spiritual endeavour. At least Ron Howard and Sony have made no claims about the veracity of their movie. Maybe Mel should step off his high horse for a moment and look at his own work before judging the work of others (hey, isn't there something in the Bible about that; something to do with throwing stones and being a sinner? And something about logs in eyes??)
However, one charge that cannot be levelled against Mel is that of being boring; perhaps mind numbing violence and gore is better than the puzzle breaking, library finding, coma-inducing Code.

Zohar So Good

What happens when you have more money than sense? For me this happens everytime have more than £5 in my bank account and I go a bit giddy, I can't imagine what it would be like to have millions of pounds like Madonna, but if recent reports are to be believed it seems she is slipping into money induced insanity. According to Fametastic Madonna has insisted that everyone on her tour drinks Kabbalah water. Apparently she ordered 1000 litres of the blessed mountain spring water for her shows in LA alone. And it costs a whopping $8 per bottle.
I am not entirely sure what is wrong with tap water, except, of course, that it is free, and so probably leaves a bitter taste of disgust in the mouths of the rich and famous. That and the fact that Kabbalah water has magic powers. The official website for Kabbalah water (and we all know that genuinely miraculous products need websites) has this to say about the overpriced fluid;

Years ago, Rav Berg and the great Kabbalists who were his teachers made an astonishing discovery: a truly sharing consciousness, channeled through certain Kabbalistic blessings and meditations, has the power to return water to its primordial state of completely positive, healing energy. Through the power of these meditations and the consciousness of sharing that is their foundation, Kabbalah Water came into being -- and its miraculous powers of restoration and healing became available to the world. Infused with sharing consciousness, Kabbalah Water manifests water's primordial capacity to heal and protect.

We don't quite know how they manage to squeeze so much positive energy into 1000 litres of water; somewhere there must be dozens of Rabbi's abandoned and exhausted after having their positivity and religious consciousness entirely drained from them, just to feed the souls of Madonna, her dancers, lighting and sound crew, and team of giant glass crucifix makers.
Despite this, as we proved yesterday, the water does not have the power to prevent the dreaded condition known as camel-toe.

Lionel Rich Tea

Breaking News: Britney Does Not Read Own Website

Lets for a moment ignore the decidedly fugly outfit that Britters is wearing here (but at least we can't see her bra, thong, stomach etc, although her thunder thighs aren't too pleasant), and lets discuss what is going on with her wrist. Do you see it? That little piece of red string tied around her left arm, the tell tell sign of a celebrity Kabbalist? Hmmm, I seem to recall the recent news that Britney had abandoned the trendy religion, stating somewhat incomprehensibly that her baby was her new religion. At the time we were just thrilled that she had dropped Kabbalah and not little Sean, however this new photographic evidence seems to be telling a different story. We might be reading this all wrong; perhaps Britney is wearing a red bracelet because it coordinates so fantastically with her hideous dress, bad lipstick, and cankle inducing shoes. But if rumours that she gave up her faith because of financial concerns are true, perhaps she has realised that raising a child for 18 years is going to be way more expensive than red string updates, and has dropped her baby (again).

Madonna still looks beautiful

After Madonna's recent crucifixion stunt, she has been defending her performance.  Madge said,

          "I don't think Jesus would be mad at me and the message I'm trying to send" 

OK honey, I'm going to let that one go.  Let's not think about the disrespect, or the fact that it was a blatant attempt to gain as much publicity as possible which could really be seen as a continuation of your earlier efforts to shock the world with the skankilicious wearing of leotard by a woman of 97 million years old.  I can accept that Big J might understand that you were simply trying to share your message in a twenty-first century way, but i can guarantee that if Jesus wasn't mad about that, he is certainly not going to be happy about this:

Love, religion or no religion, that was never going to be attractive or acceptable.  For the love of God, put it away!

*as yet, source of photograph remains unknown