Celebrity Religion

Tom Cruise forgets he already has children

Since the birth of TomKitten earlier this week, we have been desperately trying to take a break from the whole Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes, brainwashing, alien-loving, anti-christ storyline, but Tom makes it so difficult! He just can't keep quiet about his 'new' role as a father.  I have managed to keep relatively quiet on the whole topic, until now that is.  THIS infuriates me.  Tom has been quoted as saying that, "You hold this newborn, and you realize you've got responsibilities like you've never had before".  Well, I'm sure little Suri's adopted brother and sister are very happy to hear this news.  Yes Tom, you are already a father!  You already have the responsibility that comes along with that! This should not be new to you...I suspect a little bit of preferential treatment for (the child that should have been named) L.Ron Hubbard Jr.

Who is the man in Black?

We were a bit slow reporting this one today, but we are going to blame that on a certain amount of confusion in the Celebrity Religion HQ.  We had previously been monitoring rumours that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith had turned to Scientology, but photographs posted yesterday made us think again.  They show Will and Jada visiting Jerusalem's Western Wall, one of Judaism's holiest places.  According to this report, Will followed Jewish custom and slipped a note between the stones.  Will certainly seemed to be enjoying himself and looked happy next to Rabbi Schmuel Rabinovitch.  We are intrigued by the potential this has for setting a new trend in celebrity religion and will keep you updated with any progress in this area.  We can't help imagining just how wrong this could go amongst  our favourite 'intellectually challenged' celebs...we think Paris Hilton would really suit a beard.

Thou Shalt Not Give Thy Baby A Crap Name

Since L. Ron Hubbard was reincarnated as little baby Suri earlier this week, little attention has been paid to the other big birth of the month; the birth of Moses.

By the looks of this photo little Moses is already filled with hatred and resentment towards his mother, the ever snobby Gwyenth Paltrow, for giving him almost the worst name ever. This poor kid wishes his Mum would float him down the Nile river in a basket so he could find new parents who are not such wankers.

The Apocalypse Cometh

There have been many signs recently of the impending apocalypse; The battle for the Beckham's souls, the surprise blob attack that hit LA, the birth of the Xenu battling inter-galatic Tomkat Baby (and all the ensuing placenta eating), and now we have reports of Bubonic Plague hitting Los Angeles,the centre of celebrity religious activity. I smell the breaking of the seventh seal coming anyday now. The birth of the Hollywood messiah born to Brangelina might just save us all, but I am pretty sure I just caught a glimpse of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse out of my window.

Personally I am looking forward to the revelation that La Hohan is in fact the whore of Babylon, who, according to the book of Revelation, is;

"drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus."

which would explain a lot.

More TomKat Tomfoolery

The always fabulous Gallery of the Absurd has done it again, this time with a picture of the "TomRat" family and baby Suri.

The picture is part of an Animal magazine feature that will be released in June. We look forward to seeing what has been done to Paris, Brangelina and Nicole Kidman (we are hoping she will be a bat).

Let The (Placenta) Feast Begin... TomKitten Has Landed

Finally, it has happened.
After months of speculation and gossip, and a desperate search by Tom Cruise's publicists' to find a suitable bio-vessel to carry the miracle baby, Katie Holmes has finally "given birth".
Thats right folks, Katie has actually removed the beach ball from under her shirt (and presumably she did this silently and without any drugs) and named it Suri. She dropped her improbable load in Los Angeles earlier today and according to a press release, both Mother and Child are doing fine. Of course, in the world of Scientology, the word "fine" has a meaning that most of us are unfamiliar with; it actually means that the baby is in fact an alien, sent to do battle with the evil Xenu and that Katie is tied to her bed with metal restraints, calling out for the child she is not allowed to see for the next week, while surrounded by signs reminding her to "shut the fuck up".

BBC News has this to report;

Spokesman Paul Bloch said in a statement that the couple "joyously welcomed" the arrival of their daughter.

The baby's name, Suri, came from Hebrew, meaning "princess" or Persian, meaning "red rose", the statement said. [There has been no word yet as to what the name means in Thetan]

The baby weighed 3.4 kg (7lb 7 oz) and measured 50.8 cm (20 inches), Mr Bloch said.

We alread know that the child will not be baptised (and, therefore, will be damned to hell), but we can't wait to see the kinda crazy that Scientology can induce in a kid raised by a fake couple pretending to be its biological parents!

More Appetizing Titbits from TomKat

Everyday, in some small way, Tom Cruise induces me to vomit a little. Today it is the news that he plans on eating the placenta of his newborn alien child. In GQ magazine he is quoted as saying,

"I'm going to eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there."

We know that eating the placenta has a long tradition, and in many cultures it is considered important and sacred. That does not stop it from being gross. This is just a whole new level of grossness in fact, so much so that it competes with the Britney Spears Sculpture and the Kate Moss Statue for the title of most disgusting news story this year.
It is also unlikely to be true. I don't think that beach balls have placentas.

* In other news, I would like to take this opportunity to say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" to the Co-Author of this site, Lauren! CR HQ will be descending into drunken madness to celebrate very soon. Why not read her profile here!

When Will TomKat End?

We have posted so many times about Tom Cruise and his Rent-A-Womb zombie bride, that we think we may have entered a Tomkat induced coma. However, we felt we had to post again when we spotted TomKat bobble head toys on ebay.

These dolls are obviously quite realistic, except that Katie Holmes' mouth is not squint enough, and I don't wish that the Tom Cruise doll would die is a horrible burning related accident. Bid at your leisure...

BREAKING NEWS!! ROSS SMELLS LIKE WEE

Really, he smells like wee.
We should know, he lives here at CR HQ!

(Not So) Pious Parenting

It would seem that being religious does not necessarily make for great parenting skills. This is no big shocker, we have all seen "Carrie" and read "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit", so it should come as no surprise that a recent poll by the Mail on Sunday about the worst celebrity parents featured many of this websites regulars.
Britney Spears came in at seventh place, due to her poor safety record of driving with her baby on her lap and her unfortunate tendency to drop him on his head. She is probably not too upset though, we suspect that she will be just relieved to be near the top of any poll after being dropped from FHM's sexiest woman list.

In fifth we have the ever popular Tom Cruise. Tomkitten has not even been born (allegedly) and people are already predicting that he will make an awful biological dad.

Michael Jackson enters at second place, which kinda surprised us, we thought that he was making a valiant effort for first place by dangling his kids off balconies, molesting children*, and dressing his kids from head to toe in blankets and masks, and having a face that is likely to melt/fall off any day now.

Who, I hear you cry, could be a worse father than Wacko Jacko? Brace yourselves....

PETE DOHERTY!

yep, thats right, Pete "I shoot heroin in my eyeballs" Doherty. We didn't even know he had a kid, and we were pretty sure that people like him are not allowed to reproduce. He has a son called Estile apparently. What kind of name is Estile? Moses is a better name than that!

Who knew that taking a shit load of drugs on a daily basis didn't put you in the running for "Dad of the Year award"? Oddly, his coke addict girlfriend, Kate Moss did not make it onto the list, and neither did John Travolta, despite the fact I wouldn't let them look after my pet stick insects let alone a human being.
We feel bad for these kids, and at this holy time of year, we think we might say a little prayer for them... although it would probably take a miracle to sort their parents out.

*Allegedly