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You may think that being a celebrity is to lead an easy life, full of people telling you exactly what you want to hear, with enough money to do and buy what ever you want, non stop parties with no consequences, being beautiful and hanging with the beautiful people, having sex with who ever you want.... but in reality, being a celebrity is hard. And being a celebrity that is religious is even harder. What do you do when your choosen God doesn't approve of your lifestyle? What if this weeks coolest faith dictates that you should stop having promiscuous sex, stop partying, or give up your wealth? Well, the important thing for any celebrity in this predicament, is to remember that a couple of thousand years worth of tradition, and the faith of millions of other people, is relatively unimportant compared to your level of fame. Take Christianity for example. Sure Jesus said a ton of stuff about giving your money to the poor, about camels and eyes of needles (?!?), and I am pretty sure the Bible says something about money being the root or something... hmm, what was that again? Take this Jesus saying for example,
"Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; for one's life does not consist in the abundance of possessions." (Luke 12:15)
"My God is a God who wants me to have things,'' Blige tells Blender mag. "He wants me to bling. He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block.""I don't know what kind of God the rest of y'all are serving, but the God I serve says, "Mary, you need to be the hottest thing this year, and I'm gonna make sure you're doing that."
OK, so this has nothing what so ever to do with celebrities, but it is pretty funny and so we decided to bring it to your attention anyway. Reverend Brendan Smith (who is not really a Reverend, but just calls himself that, similar to how Madonna calls herself an "actress" or Lindsay Lohan thinks of herself as "talented") has reproduced a number of Biblical scenes out of everyones favourite artistic medium, LEGO. In keeping with our recent focus on The Da Vinci Code, we bring you the LEGO Last Supper.
Some people might say that Smith has too much time on his hands, but we want to comend the "Reverend" for his creative use of a popular child's toy in spreading the Word, and we particularly like his choice of LEGO men for Jesus. We are also sure that Da Vici would have choosen LEGO as the medium for his depiction of the Last Supper if he was given the chance. Check out his site here, The Brick Testament. In particular we liked his portrayals of The Laws handed to down to Moses; Check out Beastiality, Homosexuality, and our personal favourite, Sexual Discharge.
Who knew that LEGO people could do such things??
"Hurrah!", was the cry heard from Celebrity Religion HQ as we read the headline Judge's Da Vinci code Solved "What could it be?", we wondered in excitement. Surely it would be something witty and comical from the judge who had made our day by deciding to have a bit of fun at work? Oh how wrong we were. A deep-seated feeling of disappointment has filled the HQ, similar to the one we experienced when we realised that there was indeed an 'evil Francie' in Alias and that Sydney's bubbly best friend had been murdered and replaced with a look-alike...sob sob. Oh yes, our favourite Judge (with the exception of Judy) Peter Smith, who made us smile yesterday with the news that work and play need not be separate entities, has confirmed that the message he left for the world to see was "Jackie Fisher who are you Dreadnought"! God God, I am not even sure I can bring myself to explain what this means without falling into a boredom induced coma, but here goes: John "Jakie" Fisher was a 19th century admiral who developed the first British modern warship, the Dreadnought. Wait, wait, don't leave!! I am finished with the boring story, I promise. I will never mention nineteenth century naval inventions again.
Just one more thing: how obvious was that? Anybody could figure out a crappy-ass elementary school code like that! The real challenge lies in the previously posted Celebrity Religion code, which is so ingenious and well hidden that the world has yet to crack it. Good luck readers!
Having followed the Da Vinci Code court cAse since it first begun, we were absolutely delighted wheN we read this article today. Reportedly, Mr Justice Peter Smith who ruled over the copyright case could not resist having a Bit of fun when doing so. Smith's 71 page judgement contained a series of italicisations that seemed somewhat out of place. MeRe typOs one Would think? No no no, not at all. Smith has admitted putting a code in his judgement so the first seven paragraphs hold the message 'Smithy Code'. Well, it is always nice when people have a bit of fun and don't take their job too seriously. Look at Dan Brown, he obvioUsly has a great time distorting historical information and presenting his opinions as facts (this is not the official stance taken by Celebrity Religion; we believe everybody has the right to an opinion, even if it is B.S...please don't sue us!) Perhaps now we should be on the look out for more incredibly Clever and intelligent hidden codes in all the written worKS that we read?
For months now the debate has been raging; is Britney pregnant or just fat. I have to say that I sided with the "fat" argument, but now it seems I may be wrong. US magazine has exclusively revealed that Britney is indeed carrying the seed K-Fed
Now, we can almost forgive Britney for getting pregnant with the hygenically challenged, trailer trash sleaze bag the first time... we all make mistakes. But being pregnant again means she slept with him more than once, which makes her plain stupid in our books. We are beginning to think that some celebrities just should not be allowed to breed. Particularly when they are this retarded/smelly/untalented/fat (insert your favourite adjective here).
Incidentally, Pope Benedict has apparently decided to publish a document in which the Catholic prohibition against the use of condoms is relaxed. According to this BBC report the new Pope (previous seen as a Rottweiller, but turning out to be more of a puppy) considers the use of condoms to be "a lesser evil" than certain consequences of sexual intercourse. Now, we are not saying that there two events are connected, but is it just a coincidence? We think not....
*Thanks to Gallery of the Absurd for the K-Fed artwork.
For those sceptical folks who thought that the "birth" of the TomKitten was faked at this time simply to promote Tom Cruise's latest piece of crap, sorry, I mean movie, it would appear that is not the case. Indeed Tom is not even going to attend to the worldwide premieres' because he would rather spend time with his week old "daughter" and his fake bride-to-be than do anything as trivial as self promotion...
oh, wait. Nope, it seems in fact that Cruise has changed his mind, and is coming to the UK premiere. Oh lucky us.
According to the BBC, Tom is quoted as saying (in an amazingly subtle play on the title of his movie)
"My mission impossible was to be here today. I didn't want to come. My daughter was just born, and I didn't want to leave her and her mother."
"We have a whole system worked out. It's the B and B - she does the breast feeding and I do the burping and changing the diapers."
Strictly speaking, this story contains no direct references to celebs. Why post it then? Firstly, because it is interesting; secondly, because it has been an incredibly slow news day and thirdly (and most tenuously), we would argue that the recent controversy surrounding Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code has resulted in Brown becoming a bit of a celebrity himself (he certainly has the money part of it covered) Reportedly, The Scottish Catholic Church was so disturbed by Brown's "monumental nonsense" that it is releasing a DVD entitled Debunking the Da Vinci Myths. This DVD will be sent to all 60 Catholic schools in Scotland and 500 parishes. This will coincide nicely with the release of The Da Vinci Code film in cinemas worldwide. While Sony pictures paid around $6 million simply for the right to make this big budget movie, we are sure that the Church's version will be just as impressive and visually stunning. Most importantly, we here at Celebrity Religion HQ are hoping that, given our location, we will be sent a complimentary copy. Let's keep those fingers crossed!
Madonna, The Great, Great, Great Grandmother of Celebrity Religion is at it again! The once hot (and now just ancient and hernia afflicted) pop goddess has brought out the big guns in terms of blasphemy. According to reports in our favourite newspaper, The Sun, Madonna plans to be CRUCIFIED live on stage during her latest tour.
According to The Sun, the singer will be enter the stage from above, attached to a giant cross, made of diamonds and Swarovski crystals at a cost of nearly $10 million. Sounds pretty inoffensive to us. Besides, Madonna's life bears a lot of similarity to that of Jesus; the non-stop persecution at the hands of the Paparrazzi (Pharisees); living a life of poverty, resisting both materialistic and sexual temptations; spreading the Word of God to the outcasts; being Jewish...and now, in a move that truly underscores the empathy she feels with The Son of Man, she has spent $10 million to mock his death in what amounts to a big publicity stunt. Apparently after she is crucified she is going to show a ten minute cartoon on a large video screen, showing the Prophet Muhammed as a terrorist, while dressed as Ganesh and slaughtering a Sacred Cow and drinking the blood of swine.
I don't know how true this story is and to be honest I don't really care...the Hoff is awesome. Everything about him is amazing. Imagine my delight when i stumbled across this gem of an interview! Reportedly, David Hasselhoff has had a "spiritual calling" to use his alter ego Michael Knight in order to change people's lives! Referencing his numerous trips to visit children in hospitals he said, "How fantastic is that? I just walk in. All the kids go, 'Ah, Michael Knight!' and start coming at me with their IVs" I could, rather unappropriately, mention how this little anectdote conjured up images in my head of zombie-like children attacking the Hoff and using their IVs as weapons, but really I do not think this is the time or the place. Personally, I have never doubted the Hoff's miraculous abilities. He can fly for goodness sake! Don't believe me? Watch this classic video below:
