Celebrity Religion

Scientology Vs Kabbalah; The Battle for Victoria Beckham's Soul...

As you may recall from an article written by us a little while ago, rumours were flying around that Posh and Becks were on the verge of becoming Scientologists. However, we received some truly shocking news today when we saw that Posh has been spotted out and about with a suspicious piece of red string adorning her wrist.

According to Cult News

It appears that there has been an almost frantic competition between the two most popular purported ”cults” in Hollywood, to get the Beckhams onboard, they are Britain’s most popular celebrity couple, outside the royal family.

We will momentarily forgive the article for not recognizing Pete and Jordan as Britains best loved couple (or is it just me that loves them?), and focus instead on the fact that Madonna and Tom Cruise have allegedly be out knocking on the Beckham's door to evangelize!
I am sure Tom is particularly desperate to win this battle, especially if you believe the rumours that Scientology is having financial problems. Also, according to one of our sources, the battle for Victoria's soul may be one of the seven signs of the Scientology Apocalypse, alongside the birth of the alien child.

Karma Crap

When reading about the newest celebrity craze to be sweeping the globe, our initial reaction was "WTF????" But after doing a little more web-based research our next reaction was, "No, seriously, WTF??!!??"
According to sources, celebrity such as Oprah, Martha Stewart, Eva Longoria and Elton John have been buying Karma Guard.
Milk and Honey are promoting it, saying that;

It's a spray, it's a shield, it's a badge of awareness...it's Karma Guard!
The ultimate protection you can spray on yourself or all around you to keep bad karma away. Whether it's your own trash or someone else's, Karma Guard is here to clean it up and give you a fresh start. So as the dis leaves the lips, whip out the bottle with the shield and remember: Just one spray keeps the bad karma away!

Basically this is just a small spray, filled with mineral water and ginseng root, and it allegedly hastens the cleansing of Karma. Shop Intuition sells this bad boy at a bargain price of $7 per little bottle, and suggests that all your favourite stars use it to deflect bad vibes. Colour us cynical, but this just sounds too dumb to be true, especially given the proximity to April 1st. But you never know, the inhabitants of celebville are not exactly known for their intellectual prowess, and people actually do buy this B.S.

Buddy Christ

In light of Will Young's hunt for the Big Guy, we thought we would help out celebs in need of God, by pointing them in the right direction for inspirational Jesus figures.

Who doesn't want a buddy Christ figurine to help "reinforce Jesus as friend in everyday activities"? We are just so sad that young Katie Holmes didn't find these statues earlier! Seeing Big J playing Baseball with children (and looking uncannily like that guy you tell your children to never except candy from), could save anyone from the clutches of Scientology!

And I don't care what anyone says... Jesus' love for the children is perfectly natural, and in no way paedophillic. He just wants you to call him "daddy" while he teaches you how to handle your club....

Feeling Horny?

Here at CR HQ we are not only interested in the more organized or traditionla forms of religion. we also like to hear about paganism, mythology and unicorns. So imagine our delight at discovering this!

OK, it doesn't have much relevance to celebrity religion, but its damn funny. Seriously, check it out....

Unicorn Fun

Oh God, where art thou?

The celebrity religion team were a little sad when we read this morning that Britain's Will Young may have been suffering with depression.  As a result, he has reportedly been attending a chapel in South Kensington in an attempt to find God (we advise looking down the back of the sofa; we have found loads down there!)  Now, none of this seems very strange, right?  Wrong!  Members of this particular church have been accused of running a cult that frowns on homosexuality. For those readers who haven't heard of Will, we should point out that since winning Pop Idol he admitted to being gay (though nobody was very surprised) and has been incredibly open about it.  Yes indeed, we here in Britain have our very own Clay Aiken, though thankfully we don't appear to have any crazy ass ladies trying to sue him for false advertising, or whatever the hell that was!!!  We recommend that Will should go for a more celebrity endorsed religion.There is nothing like joining a group full of pretty, talented and rich individuals to boost one's confidence!  Good luck Will!

Chef's Death Update

Thanks again to our readers, we can now point you in the direction of the full South Park Episode "The Return of Chef". Check it out here.

Cruise Control

This Just In:

Tom Cruise had signs delivered to his Beverley Hills Mansion that remind his brain washed slave (sorry, I mean wife-to-be), to remain silent during the birth! The Sun reports that several 6 foot placards arrived, one of which reads

“Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.”

We are not quite sure how to make the physical motions of child birth understandable, but we are sure there is a perfectly crazy explanation for this order.

So it looks like Katie has definitely succombed to Tom Cruise and The Church of Scientology, and their wacko, woman hating, ways. And the boards can be recycled to be used after the birth. Soon Tom will have them posted around his house with messages such as "Where's my dinner, bitch?", "Do the ironing, and don't complain about it", and "I am not gay, no matter what anyone says, I am not a homo." What a pleasant future young Katie has in store.

Fishing for a Miracle

It has been a bit of a slow news day here at celebrity religion, so we thought we would bring you a bit of regular religion news to pass the days until TomKat drops her improbable load. Today's most bizarre story has to be that of the discovery of two fish in a pet shop in Liverpool, UK, that allegedly bear the words "Allah" and "Muhammad" in Arabic script on their scales.

Oddly enough, only last month their was a similar reporting of a fish in Manchester (UK again) that had "Allah" one side of its body, and "Muhammad" on the other. Hmm, it all smells a bit fishy to us (sorry I couldn't resist.) Lets just hope that having the name of the Prophet on your body does not constitute the breaking of Islam's prohibition of idols, or else someone will be having fish fingers for dinner tonight.

Perhaps our all time favourite divine cameo has to be the "Vigin Mary Cheese Toastie" which sold on ebay for $28,000.
Strangely all our attempts to create a miraculous toasted sandwich to sell to some sucker on ebay have failed. Although the images burnt into our toast does look uncannily similar to a pregnant Angelina Jolie, leading to further speculation that she is in fact carrying the Hollywood Messiah.

Druggie Doherty's Turns to Buddha for Spiritual High

here we have another story from a British Tabloid, and therefore 100% reliable. Apparently crack head, junkie scum lord Pete Doherty has followed his on/off girlfriends lead and turned to Buddhism to help his addiction. He has allegedly told his friends (read; dealer) that he wants to try more meditation and that "he is really into spirituality and stuff." His skills at theological articulation aside, we are beginning to suspect that it will take a bit more than chanting "ohm" to wean this loser off crack. The upcoming edition of Rolling Stone magazine has an interview with the Babyshambles twat, in which Mark Binelli writes;

"Doherty kicked off the Q&A by snorting some heroin. "Over the next three hours, Doherty will also smoke crack, shoot heroin and take an 'ecstasy' pill," Binelli relates. "He does all of this casually, and openly, except for the shooting up, which he performs near the kitchenette, with his back to us. He offers me heroin and ecstasy but not crack. I decline. The more drugs Doherty does, the more he seems to relax. He never becomes incoherent, though occasionally he seems confused."

All of which leads us to ask, why isn't he dead yet?? Unless... he is already dead! He is looking more and more like a zombie everyday...

Hex on Becks

Breaking news here at Celebrity Religion HQ! According to extremely reputable sources, The Scottish Daily Star reports that Witch Doctors are putting a curse on David Beckham and the English football team. Sandwiched between pages and pages of naked women (who doesn't love the British Tabloids?) the newspaper reports that fans of the Trinidad and Tobago football team (thats soccer team for our American readers) are using magical incantations to hex Becks and his team mates ahead of their match on June 15th. Not ones to reinforce negative stereotypes, The Daily Star reports that;

"The crafty Caribbeans have sacrificed cockerels in secret rituals... and they have told followers to bury birds' heads near the homes of England's star players."

Apparently Trinidad and Tobago have been up to this sort of mischief before, with Mexico claiming in 1973 that voodoo was used to cause seven players to suffer freak injuries. All is not lost for the England team, however, as England based voodoo priest, Doctor Snake has offered up this advice;

"The team's best bet is to use my Hex Zapper spell, which will vaporise a hex or curse in a flash. First cut out a silhoutte of a human figure from parchment or even from a newspaper. Then write the name of the person who has been hexing you on the paper doll and for each day cut a piece of the paper off and burn it."

I am positive that Sven will be spending hours and hours making paper voodoo dolls. But if i were him, I would be more concerned about bird flu than hexes...