Celebrity Religion

Scientology: The Truth!

Our loyal readership have been wondering when we are going to tell them the TRUTH behind scientology.  Well, our lovely friends, keep reading and we promise to give you all the info you need very soon.  In the mean time, for an in depth and informative account of what it is all about, check this out.

Big Yellow God Covers Worshippers in Yellow God Juice

Sperminator 2: Judgement Day

Rumours are circling celebsville that Britney may be up the duff once again! One would think that K-Fed's inherent repulsiveness and apparent lack of hygiene would act as a natural contraceptive, but seemingly not! The Sperminator keeps on knocking women up all over the place. Lets hope Britney's next religious conversion isn't to Catholicism, or else we may never see the end of her manic reproduction.

-UPDATE-

Britney's publicist denies the rumours, so we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief (hopefully).

Ask CR!

Dear Celebrity Religion,

I need your help! I have heard about your site from so many of my Uber-celeb friends.  I know that they turn to you in their time of need for religious guidance.  Celebrity Religion, i don't know what to do.  I am in quite a bit of trouble and feel like I need some spiritual direction in my life. In the past, I have managed to brush off my problems with a joke video or two and still come back smiling.  This time, I think I need to do a 'Madge' and revamp my image by getting myself a super hot religion!  Surely, if I have God on my side then it will be impossible for me to mess up again.  Do you think you can help?  Back in '98 I got into a spot of bother over this tiny incident with a police officer (and a toilet) and was forced to admit a few things about my sexuality, so a gay-friendly religion would be great! Oh celebrity religion, please help me in my time of need. I wont let you down. I will not give you up. I've gotta have some faith in your site. It's the one good thing that I've got!

Please don't give me up,

Kisses, 'High in Hyde Park' xx

PS I know that "sometimes the clothes do not make the man", but it would be so fantastic if you could find me a stylish religion/cult (I'm not fussy)

Dear  "High in Hyde Park",

Thank God you came to us!  Yours is a complicated situation.  We think that your first problem is your failure to realise that as a celebrity, you need not worry about the confines of one religion. Your situation is so complex that we think you should pick and choose from the vast variety of religions at your disposal. In light of your recent infraction with the law, we suggest a combination of three religions. Rastafarianism, allowing you to smoke cannabis at your leisure and to claim it as a religious right.  Unfortunately, Rastafarianism doesn't look too highly upon homosexuality.  Therefore, we advise that you adopt the liberal attitude of the Quakers in this regard. 

  Finally, we have noticed that you have been having a hard time with monogamy, as such we recommend that you take a liberal sprinkling of the polygamous attitude of Mormonism to sugar coat your new religion.  Now you just need to think of a fun name for your new faith, try 'Quakstamonism', or if your feeling particularly narcissistic why not name it after yourself?

Yours Faithfully,

The Celebrity Religion Team

PS  May we also suggest that the next time you feel the urge to do something illegal, you do it in the privacy of your own home.

Red Bull-Shit

Feeling tired? Need a spiritual pick-me-up? Why not drink the kabbalah energy drink. Made from blessed Kabbalah water, the drink, according to the official website ,

Is a refreshing source of positive energy for your busy lifestyle. So whether you need it to take your dog for a walk, bar-hop with friends, study for finals or just need a second wind at the office [personally I find having wind at the office to be more of an embarrassment than anything else] reach for the Kabbalah drink.

And if that doesn't quite reach the spiritual spot, why not go for a ride on the Las Vegas Kabbalah bus! [Note from author; This is NOT a joke!]

Shock as Court Judge Forced to Read Shit Novel

Dan Brown today went to court charged with plagiarism for his multi-million selling Da Vinci Code. We can only imagine the motivations of Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, authors of The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail, but we are sure they are due to their deep respect for the concept of intellectual property and the protection of writers, and nothing at all to do with the millions of dollars Brown has made.We are, of course, completely convinced of the books premise, and believe everything Brown usefully tells us is based on truth and historical fact. we in no way think that he presents opinions as facts, distorts or makes up historical information that is demonstrably false by actual scholars or can be accused of sensationalism. Interestingly, this case relies on the premise that the alleged "historical tome", The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail, is also at least somewhat fictional, as historical fact cannot be copywritten. But throughout all this blasphemous madness, spare a moment for the real victim in this case, Judge Peter Smith, who has to read both pieces of crap.

SPOILER ALERT
On a side note, we here at Celebrity Religion are sure that if the bloodline of Christ still exists, it is currently pumping its way through the veins of the unborn Jolie-Pitt demi-god.

Bloomin' Hell!

Alright Orlando, what are you up to now?  Following in the footsteps of such high-ranking celebs as Richard Gere, it would appear that Orlando Bloom is feeling the Buddhist vibe.   We know that this is not exactly 'news' to everyone, as Orlando reportedly took part in a religious ceremony way back in December (click here), but we feel that the poor Buddhists are lacking in young celebrity figureheads.  What exactly does this mean for celebrity religion?  Is everyone suddenly going to turn vegetarian?  Will celebs start giving up all of their worldly goods? Or, is it possible that our favourite promiscuous fame hunters will turn to a life of meaningful tantric sex? Um...well, we guess it's possible, but then winning the lottery IS possible.  Possible, yes. Likely? DON'T THINK SO!

Britney finds another new religion; causes widespread indifference

OK, so we love Britney, I mean, we totally think she is awesome. We loved her when she was a jail-bait school girl; we loved her when she became a crazy, Fred Durst shagging nympho; we completed adored her publicity stunt 55 hour marriage; and marrying K-fed, a retarded, hygenically challenged wannabe gansta, getting fat and being a reclkless mother simply endeared us to her more. But even we are getting somewhat tired of the constant religion hopping. I mean we can't keep up! One day we are going all Jewish, skimming through our Torah's, searching for suitably Biblical names to adopt and wearing tatty pieces of over priced red string. The next day we are working our way through 3 million or so Hindu dieties trying to decide which one we want (that elephant one is, like, soo cliche), and today we need to find out what Sikhism is all about. Do we have to start wearing Turbans? Is a Gurdwara some sort of STI? And what is a Guru Nanak when its at home? So basically Brit, give it a rest and give the rest of us a chance to catch up, alright?

Biblical Breasts

Those radical feminists over at LiquidGeneration have some fun boob-based games. Check out their "Hot Jesus Freaks" and their "Kabbalah boobs" editions of the popular game Whose Boobs.

Reincarnation Made Easy

Ever spent an evening contemplating Samsara, the Hindu cycle of life and death? Has My Name is Earl inspired some Karmic soul searching? Do you stay up all night worrying that in the next life you will come back as a slug? Well we have, and we are here to help put you mind at rest. Just go to Reincarnation Station, answer some simple questions, and hey presto! it will tell you whether you are gonna reach Nirvana, or be licking your own balls when you are reborn. Myself and Laren have both taken the test and here is what we found out;
Lauren;

In your next life you will be an Elephant. Almost 25% of people will be reincarnated as a higher form of life than you. You are not perfect, but you have lead a better life than most. With a few changes now, your next life can be even better.

Charlotte:

In your next life you will be a Baboon. More than 57% of people will be reincarnated as a higher form of life than you. There quite a lot of room for improvement in your life. If you continue your current path , many obstacles will await you in your next life.

All jokes aside about Lauren already being an elephant, we are at least thankful we will not be reborn as the Baby Cruise.