About

My Photo

Paying The Bills

adverts


  • CrispAds Blog Ads

« The Ten Commandments of Celebrity Worship | Main | WARNING!!! »

Celebrity Religion Profile: Madonna

Madonna_1 Named after the Mother of God, Madonna is the grandmother of Celebrity Religion. Born Louise Ciccone to Catholic parents, roughly 100 years ago, Madonna has always courted religious contraversy. Her early career, many, many, many years ago, saw her incorporate many religious symbols into her songs and video's. Her video for Like a Prayer (released soon after the second ice age) was banned from MTV for its religious insensitivity, as it showed her cavorting around infront of a burning cross and getting jiggy with a black Jesus. The Pope was reported as saying that he preferred "Holiday". 091
While Catholicism was useful for publicity purposes, Madge soon became disillusioned with the way in which the Church condemned her lifestyle choices. Who could have guessed that Big J wasn't down with her penchant for getting naked in public, performing fellatio on bottles, divorce, publishing sex books, and sex with Dennis Rodman? Enter Kabbalah...

Kabbalah, meaning "that which has been recieved", a centuries old Jewish school of mysticism, formed from millenia of Jewish thought, esoteric Torah scholarship, meditation and contemplation, that reached its pinnacle in the creation in the 14th Century of the Zohar. Kabbalah aims to describe the inner working of the human soul and end the humanity's exile from G_d. To free the sparks of divinity that are trapped in material coarseness and heal the cosmos. Kabbalah asserts that we are made in G_d's image, and offers a map of the soul, composed of the sefirot (divine qualities, such as Mercy and judgement, Wisdom and Knowledge). Through lenghty meditation on the 72 names of G_d the Kabbalist can transcend the seperated self and experience Oneness; to annihilate the ego. Kabbalah_1_1Sounds pretty neat, huh? There is just one problem... according to Rabbi Yzchak Bazr, whose father was a leading Kabbalalist in Jerusalem,
"It is forbidden for a goy [non-Jew] to learn Kabbalah. He has to learn and know about the Jewish bible first. Kabbalah is the highest form of Judaism, and those who practice it need to be extremely spiritual, modest and wise, surrounding themselves with holiness and purity." - Not the most convenient route to spiritual salvation for the average self-obsessed, publicity seeking, multi-millionaire, promiscuous celebrity whore.

Enter the LA Kabbalah centre, a much more celeb friendly religion. Rsb1ht11_1(Click here) At this celebrity haven, run by the dubious Rabbi Phillip Berg, the rich and the beautiful can experience a simplified, generic mysticism that has co-opted one of the worlds oldest religious traditions to give it credibility. Here hang the 72 names of G_d (also available on T-shirts and trucker caps), that adherents need only glance at to feel their invigorating and healing power. And if you need to feel this power, but have an important Spa treatment to attend, never fear! You can call a specialist for a free 10 minute consultation on which name best suits your needs, while getting a pedicure. Worried about learning Hebrew? No need. At the LA centre, serious, time consuming scholarship is unnecessary. Merely meditating for 20 seconds on the Hebrew letters can actually regenerate cells and make you live longer. Kabbalahredstring Surprisingly this form of "McMysticism" has annoyed some people. But for a celebrity with more money than sense, what can be better than spending $50 on a piece of red string that will magically protect you from the evil eye? Who wants to drink tap water, when you can have Kabbalah mountain spring water? And who wants to annihilate your ego, when you can reinforce it?
So much does Madonna love Kabbalah that not only has she gone about converting her celeb pals, she has also spent a whopping $30 million setting up centres all over the world! Thats right, the religion Madonna describe on NBC as "a lot like punk music", could be coming to a centre near you!

24/02/2006 in Religion |

The comments to this entry are closed.